


I Am Where I Need To Be

by orphan_account



Category: College/Teens - REACT, FBE, FBE - React, Fine Brothers Entertainment, Gone Home, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 1990s, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Boys In Love, Coming Out, Concerts, Confessions, Diary/Journal, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Meetings, Friends to Lovers, High School, Homophobia, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Military, Military Homophobia, Military Training, Military Uniforms, Music, Musicians, Period-Typical Homophobia, Road Trips, Romance, Running Away, Students, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-29 19:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16271228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In 1994/1995, Tom documents his experiences with a new house, new friends, and new interests (including a certain blue-haired boy in an Army uniform), in a journal to his older brother.[AU set in the Gone Home (video game) universe.]





	I Am Where I Need To Be

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Gone Home](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/423443) by The Fullbright Company. 



** August 20, 1994 **

 

Dear Dave,

So much has changed, even just since you've been gone. We moved into this house, I'm at a new school, and my big brother being gone for a year doesn't make it any easier.

It doesn't feel real; but I'm not going to let it phase me. I used to tell you everything, and if I can't do it in person because you’re off gallivanting around who-knows-where, I'll just tell it to this journal.

Just like I was talking to you.

 

* * *

 

** September 6th, 1994 **

 

Oh my god, you are so lucky you finished high school before we moved into this house.

So it's the first day of school, and there I am introducing myself to the class, and I say I just moved into the house on Arbor Hill. All of a sudden _every_ kid in the room just _stares_ like I suddenly transformed into a mutant. I just stood there, wishing pretty hard for a rewind button. Because now maybe nobody knows my name, but they all know who I am: "The Psycho House Guy."

Great.

 

* * *

** September 13, 1994 **

 

You know that feeling where, the first moment you see someone, it's like they have a big gold star around them, and you have to get to know them? Well, there's this boy. I think he's a senior; he's usually dressed kind of punk, but sometimes I see him in this, like, army uniform?

He's always drawing in this notebook, looking so intense. I had no idea how I would ever, like, have an excuse to talk to him; until I noticed that he and his friends hang out and play Street Fighter at the 7-11 every day after school.

 

* * *

** September 15, 1994 **

 

When you live in one place your whole life, your next door neighbor is kind of like, your default friend; and Jeannie only got weirder over the years. So moving away has been a good excuse to like, not see her anymore. But she did always have the good Nintendo games. Maybe I'll give her a call.

 

* * *

** October 2, 1994 **

 

So you know what they say about the best-laid plans of mice and men. Yeah, turns out that applies to Street Fighter, too. At least I worked up the courage to walk into the 7-11 and ask for a turn, but all that practice at home did not exactly translate in the wild.

So after I was finished getting my butt kicked, I followed them outside while they smoked, and that was when _he_ asked me if I was “that Psycho House guy.” But then, he said he's always wanted to see the Psycho House. His name's Eric. He's coming over tomorrow.

 

* * *

** October 3, 1994 **

 

It's weird hanging out with boys. Jeannie was around ever since I was little, and other boys - I don’t know.

But being around Eric is, like, instantly just right. I gave him the grand “Psycho House” tour, and took my revenge on Super Nintendo; and it was like, I don’t know, I finally found someone I feel normal around!

I drove him home and he gave me this tape, and said, "You have got to listen to this." I haven't stopped playing it since.

 

* * *

** October 22, 1994 **

 

Eric brought his blue hair dye over today. He said, "I need to fix these roots. Think you could help?"

Dyeing hair is weirdly intimate. I don't know if I've touched someone else's scalp before, that's pretty intimate, right? It felt intimate.

We looked in the mirror together after, and I expected him to say something about how it looked crappy, or good, or whatever. But that's when he said, "You're so handsome." And he was looking at me!

Right in that moment, I wanted to say _something_ , but I waited. And the moment was gone.

 

* * *

**October 29, 1994**

 

Sometimes you just have to lie to Mom and Dad. Like when Eric asked me to see a band with him, and stay over at his friend's place in the city after; that's a lie-to-Mom-and-Dad situation. But it was so worth it! The boys on stage were just so _loud_ , and _real_ , and _awesome_ ; and everybody was moving together like one huge tide of sound.

Between two songs, Eric leaned over and said, "How do you like your first show?" I was so happy I felt tears starting in my eyes, and then he up and hugged me! I think he could _tell_.

 

* * *

**October 29, 1994**

At Tori’s brother's place after the show, there was only a futon to sleep on, so Eric and I shared it.

The lights went out; I was turned toward him; my eyes started to adjust; and then I could see he was looking at me, too. In the dark, he smiled. My heart was beating so fast, I rolled over. I felt so - I don't know, nervous?

After a minute he put his arm around me, and was so _close_ , and whispered in my ear, "I really like you." I just nodded my head, and I really hope he could tell. I really hope that he meant what I think he did.

I've felt like a shook-up can of soda ever since. I hope we have a chance to talk before I explode.

 

* * *

** November 1, 1994 **

 

Eric came over today, but everything was _different_.

He was sitting at my desk chair, and he wouldn't look at me. Finally I asked him what was going on; he said he felt like he'd done something wrong that night in the city, like I must think - but I said _no_. _There was nothing wrong_. I just wanted to say - but I couldn't find the words. I felt like I was going to cry, but I wasn't sad.

He got up and sat next to me on the bed. I looked at him, "Eric, do you think you could ever-" And that's when he kissed me!

 

* * *

** December 8, 1994 **

 

It's different now. I mean, we still hang out all the time, like before. But now when no one else is around - well, _you know_.

So you could say we're dating, but it's secret. Secret dating? I don't know.

I mean, I guess that's the real difference; now when we get off the phone, or go home for the night, or it's just quiet and we're alone, we say, "I love you."

 

* * *

** January 12, 1995 **

 

I'm so stupid sometimes.

I was telling Eric that I got into my summer college program thing, and I was all making plans like, "You should come visit me, stay in my dorm room!" But he said, "Tom, I ship out on June 6th." I was like, ship out? To where? He said, "To Basic Training! What did you think I was doing all that ROTC stuff for?"

I guess he's been planning to join the Army right after high school since he was like, 12. And I guess he's really going to do it. So I was like, "After graduation, I'm just never going see you again?"

He said, "Let's just have fun while we can."

 

* * *

** February 11, 1995 **

 

Brandon’s band lost their singer (Brandon said he sucked - Eric says he got sick of Brandon’s shit) and he was complaining about needing a new singer, so Eric was like, "I can sing!" And they were all kind of like, "You can?" And he was like, "Probably!"

But he's been rehearsing with them for like a week now, and I finally got to see them in Brandon’s basement today, and he's actually really amazing! I feel so _proud_ when he's onstage. It's incredible being in awe of somebody you love.

Everybody knows it's, like, a temporary situation, until he leaves in June. But until then, I'm going to be at every single show.

 

* * *

** March 11, 1995 **

 

They tell you to stick with the group on field trips Dave, there's a reason for that.

Eric and I snuck off on the side paths at Multnomah Falls and got a little lost. Okay, _a lot_ lost. Like, for _hours_.

Right before the bus left, we found a trail, and came running down the path, soaked and covered in mud, shouting for the bus not to leave.

The school called home, and Mom and Dad said, "You didn't get in trouble like this before you met that Eric guy." But I don't think they _know_ -know about us. The kids at school though, I'm really afraid that's a whole other story.

Stick with the group, Dave. _Stick with the group._

 

* * *

** April 5, 1995 **

 

Dave, you know how Mom and Dad are. Not exactly super open-minded about things. It feels like every minute I don't spend with Eric, I spend worrying about them finding out about us. And what would happen if they did.

You know dad’s joke about “the nunnery" that he'd tell whenever you brought girls around the old house? I wonder where he'd want to send _me._

 

* * *

**April 10, 1995**

 

I don't "get" Eric sometimes.

Like, his band and our zine and his hair and _everything_ are all "anti-authority," but I watch him in JROTC and he's doing drills in perfect formation, following orders, no question. And there's all this stuff in the news about Don't Ask Don't Tell. Like, he’s going to join the Army, and then have to _lie?_ About _who he is?_ He said, "They don't need to know what they don't need to know." Like it was no big deal. This from the boy who trashed his locker to, like, defend my honour.

I've learned when to stop arguing, though. I don't even think Eric "gets" Eric sometimes.

 

* * *

**April 22, 1995**

 

I had an interesting talk with Mom and Dad tonight, one _you’re_ never going to have.

I mean, you've known, right? Like, _I’ve_ known - I've known since like, He-Man.

Mom and Dad didn’t, I guess. But they saw the zine, and the stuff on my bedroom wall, and were like, "Is there something we should know about you and Eric?"

And so, here's the thing; I was prepared for them to be mad, or disappointed, or start crying, or something! But they were just in _denial._ "You're too young to know what you want,” “You and Eric are just _good friends_ ,” “You just haven't met the right _girl_ ,” “It's a _phase_." That's what I didn't see coming, that they wouldn't even respect me enough to believe me!

Well, joke's on them, because they are in for one very long _phase._

 

* * *

**May 19, 1995**

 

Jeannie finally came over to get her game. I'd been dreading it, but she brought this story with her that I wrote when we were little. I started reading it and then, there I was, crying at the kitchen table. She asked what was wrong, and I was thinking about how we were best friends - how much I'd taken for granted. But instead, I told her about school, and Dad, and Eric, and then how sorry I was that I wasn't her friend anymore.

She gave me a hug and said it was going to be okay, and for some reason, I almost believed her.

 

* * *

**June 1, 1995**

 

I asked Eric what he had to do to get ready to ship out for Basic Training. He said, "Not a lot, really. You're not allowed to bring anything with you. You have no possessions, no contact with the outside world while you're in Basic. You just train hard every day. And then you deploy from there."

So they'll just send him away to who-knows-where, the other side of the country? The other side of the world? My mind like, can't process it. That he's really going to be gone.

Just _gone._

 

* * *

**June 3, 1995**

 

Eric had his going-away show with his band tonight. He's so incredible onstage! When he was singing, I could practically forget everything; that we only had 48 hours left, that I don't know what comes next, that I can't live without him.

Then, he dedicated the last song to me, and I couldn't take it. I was out on the curb in the alley, sobbing till my ribs hurt. I would follow him _anywhere_ , Dave. But I can't, where he's going.

After a long time, he found me. He said he was sorry - he said, "I wish things could be different. I just wanted to make you happy."

I said, "I don't think you can anymore."

 

* * *

**June 5, 1995**

 

We agreed our last night together would be our happiest ever, and we'd forget tomorrow was going to come at all.

It worked for a while; we had a good time seeing his friends off, then went back to my house to look through our photos, to find one for Eric to take with him. Looking at them, I realized they were all in the past, and there wouldn't be any more. I didn't know what I was going to do, and I cried while he held me.

He said he knew it was hard, but life would move on. I said I didn't want my life to keep moving without him, that's when he cried too. I was so exhausted, I must have fallen asleep like that, in his arms. In the morning, I woke up, and I was finally alone.

 

* * *

**June 6, 1995**

 

The sunset light in this house is the saddest thing I've ever seen.

I just want to sleep.

When I'm in my bedroom, it almost feels like Eric could still be here. He's just downstairs, I'm just waiting to hear him come running up.

Maybe I'll go up to my room and wait.

* * *

** June 6, 1995 **

 

Oh my god, Dave! I fell asleep in my bed, on Eric’s side, and I missed the first two calls! I just barely caught the third one before the machine got it, and it was _Eric_ on a _payphone!_

He'd been on a bus to Basic and he said he couldn't - he couldn't think of anything but me, and us, and that he couldn't go through with it; with the Army, and being apart, and all of it! And so, he got off the bus in Salem.

He said, " Tom, I want you to pack up everything you can and get in your car and come find me, and let's just drive until we find somewhere for us.” And he asked me if I could do that, and I said yes. _Yes!_

 

* * *

** June 6, 1995 **

 

Dave, I’m so sorry; that I can’t be there see you in person, that I can’t tell you all this myself. But I hope, as you read this journal, and you think back, that you'll understand why I had to do what I did. And that you won't be sad, and you won't hate me, and you'll just know that I am where I need to be.

I love you so much, Dave. I'll see you again, someday.

Love, Tom.


End file.
